Lately it seems I’m all about thinking about being somewhere else. Which of course means that I’m not really present wherever I’m actually at. Sometimes I’m just thinking of being someplace only 20 minutes away, sometimes that place is a world away. Kinda feels like I stepped in a wormhole somewhere.
There’s the basic every-day aspect – sometimes I have to work too late, and then have to get up too early, so while I’m in bed I’m dreading going to work, in fact, I’m actually wistfully thinking about when I’ll get home from work so I can go back to bed. When I’m at work I’m desperately thinking about being back home in bed.
Then there’s the longer term of it all….in a few weeks I’ll be travelling again to Madrid, Spain. I’m already there logistically, looking at site plans, wondering what the new apartment will be like, heck what Madrid will be like.
And even longer term…I’m in the process of applying for a partner visa for Australia, since that’s where the other half of my heart is from, and where we will live when we stop touring for a living….and believe me, when I contemplate packing my suitcases again in a few weeks, I’m not just thinking about settling down in Australia, I’m closing my eyes and imagining it vividly. Yet simultaneously, I’m thinking about the city we’ll go to after Madrid, and where we are in the planning stages. It’s a mess up there, in my head, like some sort of temporal shift on a ridiculous scale.
And I wonder….what part of me is actually here? I mean, heck – I do yoga, practice meditation, attempt to breathe deep on a regular basis (although I do find myself holding my breath a lot), really, what else is a person to do?
To be present….I guess maybe I just don’t know what that means – or perhaps I have set an unreasonable expectation for what that should feel like. I work with great people who are both friends and family, I enjoy the time we all spend together, whether at work or at play. I have an amazing family, both inherited and adopted over my lifetime that are always in my thoughts even when they are far away….I honestly care about what is going on around me and these people I move about the world with, and I pay attention…so what else defines being present? Is it normal to have a part of your brain projecting forward while your feet are standing in the here and now? Is that the “future hamster” in my head, sort of like the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be?
Aha, wait a minute, I might have stumbled on to something there. Perhaps it’s not just the “future hamster” in my head….perhaps there are really THREE hamsters (each in their own wheels) rolling around up there. That would explain a lot actually. Perhaps THEY are the ones who are not present (well, except for the “present hamster”, since that’s his job and all). Perhaps I really am as present as a human can be, and it’s really the hamsters that are running in different timelines and locations.
Yeah, that’s gotta be it. It’s the hamsters.
Phew. I feel so much better.